then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
