He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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