you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
