also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
