I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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