This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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