If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
