I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I could fuck to npr.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
