If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
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