I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
