its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
