You really coming over, don't trick.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
