Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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