All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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