I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
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