I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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