I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
