Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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