I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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