I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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