you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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