My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
