nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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