i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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