Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize