I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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