I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
