this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize
