Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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