3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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