hotel room ftw
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Randomize
