I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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