I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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