he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
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