at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
