you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
