I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Found the puke drawer
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
