Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
