So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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