if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
