i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
