I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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