Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
