thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
