Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
