Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
