Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
