I am midnight drunk by noon
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
