i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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