You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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