I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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