saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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