I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
