im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I want to have your abortion
if i died would you start the facebook group?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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