I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
